You’re perfect. As is. No changes.

by Kristen on October 23, 2014

A few days ago on Facebook I shared something that struck a chord with a few people and I wanted to share it with you. (Are we FB friends yet by the way?)

So you know I’m a coach – and most of my friends are coaches.

But for the last 2 years something hasn’t sat right with me about the “coaching” I’ve come into contact with… 

And now that I’ve finally put my finger on it – I had a feeling you might resonate too. Here’s what I was finally able to put words to…

I’m challenged by the behavior of finding “what’s wrong here” done in the name of love and personal development. 

I’ve been guilty of it myself. Getting to the “root” of patterns that hold us back is significant and necessary work. 

But seriously? I’ve kinda had ENOUGH.  

Sometimes the more evolved thing to do is to engage our clients and those who invite us to coach them in a conversation about “what’s RIGHT here? What’s RIGHT about you in this moment?” 

And instead of figuring out what “pattern” is a “problem” – to instead look for what part of the self we can pat on the back for a job well done. And affirm someone’s messy and evolving sense of self. There’s a certain arrogance involved in revealing to someone what’s “wrong” with them or their process that I’m growing a stronger distaste for as it lacks the discernment and balance of it’s opposite truth: 

There’s nothing wrong at all. The person in front of us is just evolving into more of who they actually are, more of what they believe. *More of their true nature.*  

Sometimes affirming “nothing is wrong here” is the most transformative truth we can offer those we love. Sometimes it’s the exact thing they need to hear to take the quantum leap of aligning with who they really are. 

Not who we think they should be. 

The subtle “you’re doing it wrong” undertone of these (not) coaching conversations re-engages the self-abusive patterns that drove the person to seek the coaching in the first place (or avoid it all together). And it often belies the question: 

How can you become a different person than who you are?

Instead of: 

How can you become a better version of yourself? 

In closing I offer this –  

If you’ve been feeling like “you did it wrong” in any place that matters to you in life, you’re invited to settle into the flip side of that conversation with these words: 

What if you actually did it right? What if the choices you made, the things you said, were the EXACT right things that needed to happen for you to grow into who you really are? And to catalyze the growth of everyone surrounding you in that moment? 

And if you’re a coach, like me, then I offer us this – 

Who can we affirm? How can we show them that they’ve NAILED IT? That they are perfect, right now, as-is? And that this is just one, messy step in a long journey into becoming their true self.

Many of my friends on Facebook took the time to remind me – pointing out what’s not working isn’t actually the way that coaching works best. (Thank goodness! I thought this “trend” I was seeing meant I was missing something!)

That’s it’s about trusting that the client is capable of their own brilliant solutions. And that they are inherently already “doing the right thing.”

Here are some of the other brilliant comments left by the Facebook tribe:

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If we’re note already connected on Facebook, let’s connect! I know your opinion on conversations like this one are needed.